Stil Here....

Having some "issues" Haven't forgotten anyone, I will return soon! ~Mental Mari

Avoiding The Zombie Life…

We’ve all seen it, hell most of us have probably been there at one time or another, I know I have! I call it zombie life, now you’d think I’m referring to the non-stop sleeping that comes with most medication changes. Not really, the non-stop sleep-a-thons are only a drop of water in the bucket when it comes to zombie life. When I’m talking about the zombie life I’m talking about being “overly medicated”, or being medicated with too many “zombie pills.”
Now I can explain. What I’ve seen, and been through. Let me first say I’ve been this zombie, more than once in my life. I spent years on the psychiatrist couch with yes/no answers. My mental health wasn’t a priority for years. Yes, I took the meds, all of them, but I could barely keep up with an actively paced work environment. There I stood monotone, pale, with hollow eyes. I was alive, but I wasn’t living! Each time I went into see this "medication happy” psychiatrist shed toss another one on the pile until I couldn’t stand any longer. I crumbled under the weight of these meds. Antidepressants, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, sleep medication, oh and weight loss medication! Yes, that particular doctor saw my small stature ballooning so she thought I needed a prescription weight loss medications. I was still in my yes/ no status, until my body and mind crumbled into pieces. The agoraphobia took over I refused more medication but the psychosis was so bad! 
I was put on suicide watch at a state run facility, a hold if you will. Most of you know once they put that hold on you, there’s no going back. At least until the hold is over is what I learned. The “acting psychiatrist” decided I needed new medication…..nope, I refused! Not another pill, not another bottle. I was hallow inside and out, I was a zombie. 
       I had no idea one of my childhood friends was working in this madhouse. I refused everything, not going to a “group”, not going to eat, and fuck these new medications, I was going to lay here under my covers and pray until the “hold” was over. It was early, real early, when the lights flipped on and the gentleman was there to get me out of the bed I hadn’t left in a couple days. I heard his voice booming as I sank further under my covers. I know that voice….one of a kind, I told him to “fuck off”, knowing who it was. He knew mine of course and ripped my covers off of me. I was fully dressed, but felt naked, exposed, and empty. “Mari, what the hell are you doing in here?” All I could do was cry.
          He was my link to the outside world, we spent the majority of our lives together. “Get up” he said, “let’s go talk.” When we escaped to the outside world for a cigarette I really needed, he was upset, and confused. “Mari, you’re not the one, what the hell are you doing in here?” He ran to get my chart, did a quick review seeing that I was refusing the new medication. He understood, you can only take so much! Here I am “locked away” and you want to throw new shit at me…..NO! So we talked, he explained that the doctor I was seeing was well known for "over prescribing." “WHAT”, I was confused. He told me stories of people that were “return zombies” in the facility I was in. In his opinion the State Mental Hospital was where the real work got done. He said he watched patient, after patient “go away” to “get better.” Each patient came back well balanced, and doing well, only needing medication management. Each time the doctor would change their entire medication regiment, and add what she saw fit. “You don’t belong in here Mari, get off this hold, get the fuck out, and never come back!” DONE! It was a 36 hour suicide hold…that was the minimum I had to do, then I was able to “check myself out” against the attending physician’s orders.
           I never went back to that psychiatrist. She had caused enough damage, she had me “zombied out.” I was no longer going to be that person with yes/no answers. Now even being proactive the “zombie affect” can get you! You have got to watch your behavior, if you can’t see it, someone you know can. I’d write down hours I was sleeping, how I felt, if I was eating. The basics really. I got back to “The Good Doc” as soon as I could. It meant moving four hours away to receive her services, I was desperate, and I trusted her, not to over medicate me. 
           It was an adjustment, getting stable again. I basically went back on the regimen I was taking before this pill pushing psychiatrist had me completely zombie out. There have been medication changes over the years, recently I had to switch antipsychotic, and one of my mood stabilizers was basically over powering the one I had been on for a zillion years. “The Good Doc” rarely does medication changes, but after years on the same regimen I needed a tweak just last month. I had to watch myself daily, the medications can cause partial facial paralysis. AKA major zombie face. The level was too high, causing my face to freeze, not able to express emotions with my face. I had this unbelievable twitch above my eye, and my voice came out monotone with no expression. I never said switching meds was easy, only necessary at times. 
Today I’m fighting to get use to this “new med.” It’s not easy to be mentally ill, it’s even harder finding the right regimen you need to lead a positive productive life….outside the “zombie zone.”       ~ Mental Mari

My Cocktail…Not Yours….

We’ve all done it…and rightly so I think, we’ve all compared the medication we are prescribed, or had experience with it at least. “This one makes you feel amazing wonder woman” says to another. I was at a low-budget public mental health facility. So I’m listening in at this point to two oddball patients… “Stay away from this one the other replies, but ask for this one”… I’m rolling my eyes at this point. Yes, some side effects may range from irritability, to swimming thru mud for days with little to no improvement. 4-6 weeks before they you will see therapeutic levels, in the meantime your trying to survive the side effects long enough to make it to the 4-6 weeks! I know I’ve been there!

No psych medication works the same way in any two people is a good rule of thumb. I know I was naive once upon a time. I jumped on and off antidepressants because one worked wonders for one person, another person saw great results on another! I made myself sick demanding we change something to elevate the psychosis I my head. All the while throwing myself off mentally and physically. I was fueling my Bipolar II with antidepressants, and expecting any kind of results other than complete craziness. I was undiagnosed and unknowingly playing with fire.

            So here’s my suggestion as a person with over three decades of diagnosed mental illness. Be honest tell your doctor what your feeling, what’s working, what’s not. If you can’t remember things write them on a list of things to talk about at your next appointment. I’m that girl pulling out her notes as we walk into “The Good Docs” office. Everything will be fine once I’ve walked thru that door. I can’t remember shit except, “I don’t like this new med.”…. Well that’s really not giving your psychiatrist much to work with. Other options out there…most likely but they may have similar side effects leaving you swimming in that mud pile, and in circles I might add. Make it easy, type the effects in your phone, or write them out and bring it in with you.

So what does your psychiatrist want to know? Well, depends on your therapy, and if things are working for or against you? Pay attention to your sleep, how much, not enough, if a medication has you passed out all of the time, jittery out of your skin, or do you feel great? For me my sleeping habits are the number one factor in how I’m doing. “The Good Doc” knows my sleeping patterns oh so well. I’m kind of an all or nothing kinda gal! She nails me down instantly with that question! All I’m saying is being able to communicate with your psychiatrist is essential, you have to participate in your care.

Sitting there with yes/no and I don’t know answers will most likely end up on all kinds of meds. Most of which they were probably guessing you needed because of your blank reaction to the “So, how are you?” question. So find a psychiatrist you like! One that’s easy to tell you’re anything from angry, manic, homicidal, too suicidal. Personally I lay it all down to “The Good Doc,” she’s been my psychiatrist for the last 9 years. (Yes, I’ve taken off a few times to “start a new life”). I always keep going back to “The Good Doc” because she has treated me for so long, mostly of the time successfully. I know she will nail me down within the first three questions, along with weight, and medication levels in my blood.

            So be proactive is all I’m saying! Participate in your therapy, make it work for you, not against you! You’re the one that has to articulate to your doctor how you are feeling, and how medications are working for you. Remember what works for me may not work for you, for me…lesson learned! ~ Mental Mari

The Foul Mouthed One In the Corner Said It….

            I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me, the way I talk to myself! I wouldn’t even want to be around someone that had this kind of toxicity in their head. The toxic words that I could spew would be enough to keep anyone away. I think its way past negative self-talk, more like a huge voice screaming in my ear what a complete FUCK UP I can be. Self-talk, yes most defiantly the problem is telling the difference between logical vs illogical self-talk. It can be a blurred line for me at times.

At times I can have full conversations in my head. My ex-boyfriend use to find the “looks on my face” during these internal conversations, and crack up. “If I only knew what was going on in that brain of yours” he would say.  He really didn’t want to know…not really.

The voice can be persistent, constant, angry, and extremely loud… personally that’s my illogical, side taking over. I’m crud, foul mouthed, and tell myself I’m worthless. All this in one tiny brain… damn it can be exhausting. “How much of this is real?” I think when I get a moment of clarity? Now these moments of clarity don’t always come. When they do I’m pretty good at identifying the difference. The foul mouthed one in the corner of my brain is the one to blame.

            Now let’s look at the positive self-talking voice. The soothing one that comes after the storm. I like that soothing voice that is logical, and helps me think straight. Positive self-talk is always there, just often not a loud as its counterpart. My self-talk brings me moments of peacefulness in my brain that is full of ciaos. I listen to this side,.....to this “self-talk” if you will. I remember tripping on acid a million and one times searching for clarity, and that soothing voice. Somehow, someway I felt at peace on these “trips” a tranquil moment I could have during my otherwise chaotic life I was living at the time. Somehow some way yes with LOT’S of therapy the good side of self-talk came out.

I’ve learned that that little tiny soothing voice can really be more powerful than the loud negative person who also lives in my brain. So with a lot of talk-therapy I learned to tune into that soothing voice. The one that use to be the quiet one is most defiantly is louder than the negative self-talk. It’s not easy, hell I use to use acid just to gain a clear mind! Not anymore! A lot of time and work went into strengthen that positive voice. One of my many therapists asked me on my first visit. “So, what are you here for?” Instead of spilling out my one hundred and one problems, I came to the root. Self-talk. I’m my own worst critic, and I had to relearn how to think.

Looking back at my childhood its evident where the self-talk started as a child. Constantly being berating as a child is what formed that loud, angry person in my head! With a lot of work that voice has ALMOST been silenced! When I get in very stressful situations I can revert to the past, believe me I try not to. I try to smother other that loud voice no matter how loud it tries to get. I am no longer a child to be berated by myself or others. When the foul mouthed one comes into play, I use a simple techniques to strengthen that positive person in my head! Deep breathing is my best friend, a few good deep breaths settle my mind and allow me to come back to reality! Find your peaceful place people, and don’t listen to the menace in your head!  ~Mental Mari

And They All Fall Down…

          Eventually the faint of heart all die out. Hell my entire family has fallin off my communication list. I decided it was time to get myself out of some situations that have honestly been weighing me down. I’ve discovered that sometimes you have to let people go. People can apparently be undercover triggers. I feel like in life there are those that want the best, or understand what is best for you. Then there are those that are selfish and want what they want, when they want it. Ding! Ding! Ding Mari! Wake up! Meanwhile I cannot continue to let my life be invaded by unwanted visitors!

            In order to have a mentally healthy lifestyle you have to do the opposite of what I’ve done. I’m stable, I have my car, my house, and my things, bills are paid, we're good! But, I seem to always be extending the olive branch to someone that just do not have their shit together. I have had people that don’t give two shits about my mental life invade my space, but no longer….see I have finally identified the trigger. Ready…set…eliminate…

            I hate to feel like I’m being cold hearted, but at my age there’s no reason to have frequent visitors. See that’s one of the million reasons there’s downsides of being disabled. Suffering from mental illness like agoraphobia keeps me locked away most days. However the obligation to open the door feels like it’s there, no matter what’s running throughout my brain that day.

 If not its “rescue 911” what’s the matter with Mari? Is she in there? Has she offed herself….well no…but if you keep imposing…

...........ahhhhhh......... deep breathing works!

 I have my circle of “the crazies” in which I touch base with every day. They don't impose. Like me they all suffer in with one disorder of another. I love them.  Separate people all going through the same bullshit. You see the circle I’ve created is full of dynamic personalities, there to support each other if we can hold our own selves up that day. These are the people I need in my life. Healthy, productive, medication taking, drug free spirits! That’s where I need to be guys.

Today was full of revelations of sorts. I need to clean up my environment, maybe I won’t feel so warn down all of the time. Positive thoughts… Sorry about my “mood” earlier. Happens. Have a good one! Think I’ll be deleting contact information immediately! ~Mental Mari

Probably Better....

                 Probably better I don't write a blog today....I'm in a foul mood. I just don't appreciate people that impose on my life...it's hard enough......see you tomorrow people! ~Mental Mari

The Biggest Lie I Ever Told Myself….

            I can beat it… probably the biggest lie I ever told myself. When I obtained my first diagnosis Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) things were looking up. At least I now knew why I was acting so out of character, pop a pill Mari, pop a pill! Something I had been doing that was recreational fun for years. No problem, then it can go away. If I only knew then, what I know now maybe I wouldn’t have been so optimistic. The “I can beat this” attitude plagued my life for a better part of a century. Truth be told, there is no magic pill people. There are pills. Lots of medications that can help curve the serious symptoms of mental illness, but to beat it, I don't know.

            PTSD can be crippling for the person if affects. Night sweats, heighten awareness, flashbacks, and noise sensitivity are my personal triggers. No one told me this was a battle I’d be fighting daily for the rest of my life! Seems unfair, what did I do? Short answer…nothing. Long answer something traumatic has happened in your life, could be an event in which you were threatened physically, mentally, or sexually. Now I’m not saying that everyone that have these symptoms have PTSD. Rather I am stating that if you notice there are “triggers” that cause you to act out of your normal character, time to make that appointment, and seek out treatment.

            What is she talking about?  Flash backs, night sweats, and noise sensitivity, well these are a few of my personal triggers that I try to avoid at all costs. For example grocery shopping is my own personal hell, even on a good day. Crowds of people, bright lights above, and noises personally can flash me back to the abuse I suffered as a child. The worst, the absolute worse is at the grocery store for me! That “noises” get me, so you’re asking what could be so bad that you completely leave a full cart, all to run for the nearest exit. The noise goes like this “SMACK” followed by a crying child who is no doubt in trouble. That’s it for me! I see it, I hear it, and I fear it. I’ve left full carts of groceries right where I stood, which always makes my child irritated. Here she thinks that she’s about to get her Oreos, and mom is running for the nearest exit!

            What in the world you’re asking yourself? She’s insane…no it’s all part of my PTSD diagnosis, and that noise brings can bring on flashbacks. Flashbacks can be extremely real. I sweat, I cry, I shake, and I feel like I’m being abused again. The feelings all come back, as I revert back to a child who was physically abused, all those decades ago. I feel stupid, my self-talk takes over, and here I sit thinking the belt is coming once more time, when in all reality, there is no belt, not anymore.

            So, she doesn’t shop, no groceries in her house? No, I’ve tried all kinds of things in order to avoid stirring up this thing called PTSD. I’ve shopped at midnight, I’ve tried 5AM, but one “smack” and all that shopping has gone to waste. Not to mention the attitude I get from other shoppers, and the cashier, when I walk up to the only open register in the store with a grocery cart full to the brim. So that worked for a while, years I’d put my headphones in and rush down every isle hastily grabbing what “makes sense”. Often coming up short, hot dogs, no buns. Whatever it takes to just get OUT of there. "Sorry no ice cream, too many people, couldn’t get down the aisle" Id explain to my daughter.

So what do you do, groceries have to be purchased, my child needs to eat! I tried talk therapy, sending people to shop for me, that gets expensive, meditating first, ear phones, deep breathing I believe I’ve tried all the tools that I know of. Nothing keeps the flashbacks away, and I feel completely crippled. Until I got my “power back”, online grocery shopping has my cabinets full, and my anxiety at bay. I’m now able to choose what I want and need, I have my power back! Look for your “out”, find a way to adapt, don’t be crippled be proactive!

I know, I know sounds easy! Believe me I know it’s not easy, otherwise I would have figured out how to beat it years ago. PTSD is sneaky like that, hard to control and can pop up on you with no warning!  Look for your “power”, avoid your triggers as much as you can! It’s been a lifetime ago since I endured the violence that was in my life, I’ve been living with PTSD as far back as my mind will let me wonder. Still I hear “that noise” and I crumble…. Don’t crumble, avoid triggers, and handle your anxiety the best you can! ~Mental Mari